Hey guys!  Sorry, but this one’s for you. 


You know who you are. The guy that’s full of feelings, wants to be all booed up, but has been hurt before, so now you front like you all hard.  You create profiles online because you want someone, but then you make sure you let it be known that you are just looking for “friends”, or friends with benefits.  


You also make sure that the square ugly chics know that you are free to Netflix and chill, but you aren’t ready for anything serious.


That’s cool.  You just gotta be prepared and ready for the tables when they turn on you. And trust me, they will.


It is damn near written in the book of life and karma is indeed a bitch.  So just remember that anything you dish out, you gotta be able to take.


Women are more advance in being a playa than most men.  When a woman is in her gaming phase, she will never kiss and tell.  She could be sexing your brother or your best friend and you will never know.  

Women are also very bold and straight forward when it comes to what they want—in the gaming phase, that is.


It is a thrill for them (some), just as it is a thrill for men.  


Some women are so slick, they will come to ya house, corner you in the bathroom and seduce you, walk out and walk right back into the arms of their boyfriend in the kitchen.

I know a lot of men already think women are sneaky, and they can be, but not all women and not all the time.


Bottom line, don’t start something you can’t finish.  Keep it real.  If you like the chic, but you aren’t sure you are ready to be committed, just say it.  There is a great chance she feels the same way.


If the sex is out of this world, but you can’t see yourself settling down with her, you can say that too!  At the end of the day, she knows, you know. And everyone is clear.  Trust me,  she will still deal with you on that level.


BUT!


You gotta remember, if you start chilling with her, like before 10PM and after 7AM, you are dating, or courting, or kicking it.  Whatever you wanna call it.  You are making yourself more than just a bootie call at that point.  Meaning, you are catching feelings.  

Catching feelings is cool as long as you understand the dynamics of it.  You guys will begin to spend time outside of the bedroom.  You will start to learn more about each other’s likes and dislikes.  She will then want to introduce you to family. And then…


Her phone rings. And its another dude.  She doesn’t answer. And then you pop that infamous question…..”Who’s that?”


Uh Oh.


Now you done messed around and made it official with that question!


Yeah, you didn’t know it but the translation to a female when you ask this question is…..”Girl, you’d better handle that, because you are mine now.”


That’s cool too because at this point, she is loving your company and your interests.  The only problem is when YOUR phone rings, or you get a text.  Or you turn the ringer off or lay ya phone face down in her presence.  You gave her the ammo to shoot all types of questions and claims on you, not just your phone.


So, guys, you can’t trip when she’s all in your business because you put her there.  Don’t put out what you can’t stomach to take.


If you didn’t want her all up in ya business, you should have put her out or left her spot before the sun came up.


Real talk.

Even though we all wish for that perfect world where everything works and fits, life in itself is a never-ending chain of events that we have to adjust to.  A few good things to take note of is that this is one of the more common problems of every household in one way or the other.  Some of us are single parents trying to juggle three children, two jobs, personal health and fitness and the truth of the matter is no matter how much you love your husband or your children, you are not capable of being anything to them if you stress yourself to poor health or even death.
You have to take time out for yourself as much as you feel it is needed. One of the most famous quotes that remain true is that a happy wife equals a happy life.  Take some time out (as though you have a free moment within your present schedule) to sit down, inhale, exhale, and create a weekly plan for the entire family.  Delegate some of your task to the children and husband because you deserve your sanity just as much as they deserve to come home to a clean house, a cooked meal, their daily request and all the other elements you bring to the table.
This way, you will be incorporating your family in your daily errands, thus killing two birds with one stone.  You will be accomplishing one of your many tasks as well as spending quality time with them as well.
One of the hardest things for us to do as women is to let go of the small stuff.  Don't let the stresses of everyday life take you to an unhappy place to the point you cannot regain happiness.
Yes, we want our children to have the best, be the best, receive love in only the best fashion, but the truth of the matter is that world does not exist.  Don't punish yourself because you've had a hard day at work and although you are drained, the family is depending on you to provide dinner.  Pick up a pizza every now and then, prepare a quick tossed salad and be done with it.  
When you find yourself daydreaming and constantly planning your next move, turn on some music or find some comedy you like...and...dance, laugh, entertain your daughter with a tea party, or play in some makeup.  Take your son outside and throw the football with him.  Yes, ladies!  It is not against the law to put a football or basketball or baseball in your hand and go outside and play!  This is something you can do that will once again kill two birds with one stone.  You will be entertaining the kids and getting your cardio in all at the same time! 
Once kids have been exhausted for the day, you can now wind down and if you have a hubby, give him some time.  The brilliant thing about men is that they are simple.  They only want a few things: Food, Freedom, Football & Freakiness!
If you can provide something to eat, let him enjoy his sports or alone time, and put it down in the bedroom, you will have mastered men and you can now have your alone time....eat, drink, workout, or just plain relax.

The bottom line is never stress or dwell on anything too long because it takes up too much negative space in your brain.  Do what you can do at work, at home and with family and be done with it.  

​

Ladies, I know this is an extremely touchy subject for us.  Please don’t roll your eyes or scroll because you see the words “women” and “nagging” in the same sentence.
We have made our men victim to our nagging ways for centuries now.
The hardest thing to accept sometimes is the truth.

Oh of course, when we meet that perfect guy, we are in heaven and we immediately begin to create this dream world that we seem to stay living in.  This world consists of all of OUR hopes and dreams and wishes and demands. We never stop to question what his future goals are with us.
Somewhere along the way, we forgot that at one point and time, we looked at this guy as our equal. Someone just as good, if not better, than us.  We wanted him because of who he was, not who we could turn him into.

He used to love coming home to you, laying between the crevice of your lap, listening to your “war stories” from the job.
But now, he seeks to find any excuse to vacate his own home.
Funny thing is, if he’s home, he’s not doing enough, or he walks a certain way, talks a certain way, he doesn’t groom himself enough or he’s always in the mirror.  
If he goes out and tries to hustle up a dollar, he’s not home enough, but if he doesn’t work he’s a bum and doesn’t deserve a monogamous relationship with you.
He tries to surprise you with a home cooked meal he prepared  himself, you start complaining about what he cooked and how he knows you don’t eat this or that.  But when he stays out of your way and let’s you cook, you complain that he doesn’t voluntarily help out.
He spends time entertaining the kids, you complain that he doesn’t spend enough quality time with you.  But when he is in the bedroom kicked back watching television with you, you ask him why doesn’t he try spending a little extra time with his stepson.

When he is faithful ( and trust me, many men are), you drive him into the hands of other women with your lack of self-confidence, your insecurities, and most of all…your nagging.

See, we as women, have developed this disturbed way of thinking that it is all about us.  He should cater to me, because……ummmmm….well…..I’m me!
He shouldn’t need any monies in his pocket for extracurricular activities because his main concern should be paying the bills in the house and making sure I have extra money for whatever it is I may want.

Ladies, Women, my Queen Sistahs. Please stop it. We are losing our men daily to women of other races as well as to other males.

Be the Queen you are. Be confident that you are enough woman for your man. Stop trying to track his every move because if he is going to cheat on you sweetie, it is in him and playing detective will get you nowhere except for stressed. And he will cheat anyway.

Find things in life to do that doesn’t involve a man, or your spouse or your boo thang.  Grow a garden, love the ins and out of cooking or spend some time with the good book.
Put all that negative investigative energy into your kids, your dreams, your house, your pet, your life.  Look in the mirror and find ways to improve that already beautiful lady you are facing.

Men find this attractive and it also gives him time to miss you.  When you are always up in his face, you both get burnt out.  Then there is nothing about him you miss, because you are always in his face.  He will then start entertaining outside women who have hobbies.

Find a hobby ladies…..and stop nagging.

You have bills -- you have kids-- you have a wife who thinks she is one of the Housewives of Beverly Hills. I get it. The house payment, the car payment and everything else that falls in between.
Yeah, yeah, yeah....all that is cool and much desired by Americans as a whole.  However, our souls, minds and bodies were not structured to be used to work 50+ hours a week, while being pumped full of synthetic and processed foods.  
It is so bad that even though we know that we need 6-8 hours of sleep daily, the average person gets 2-5 hours of sleep. 
We party hard for as long as we can, and then that body clock that seemed to never need to be recharged suddenly needs recharging several times daily just to make it to work and back.
Stop it guys!
We were NOT put here to make money for others, while killing ourselves.  And guess what?

No matter how much time, sweat, blood and tears you have given any one company, the moment you cannot work for them on the level they request, you can kiss your life and life-savings goodbye.
​
So why the torture?  We have been programmed to do so.

Well today it stops.  I challenge you.  Do something for yourself outside of your normal schedule.  Stop by the local recreational center and pick up a ping pong paddle.  Or grab the kids and just relax watching a comedy at home.  Visit a friend or family member and bring back old moments.  Dress up, act silly, take a trip, write a poem, grab your granddaughter's coloring book.....whatever it is that used to make you laugh and live, just do it!

Too often we "grow up" and start dying without even trying to live first.  You don't have to cross every T or dot every I to be the best you can be in life.  It is not a requirement that you stress yourself about preparing a full course meal everyday at 6 o'clock because it has been your routine for the last past 8 years.  
Step out of your comfort zone sometimes and live a little!

Just as your body needs fuel and water to survive, laughter and soothing of the soul is also a great requirement.  You ever look at your high school classmates and wonder, "What is he doing?" or "She looks exactly the same as she did in high school!"  I can just about promise you that it is not a super miracle drug that has been banned from you that keeps them looking so vibrant.  
It is simply called enjoying and living life.  Try it and see how it takes years off of your life.  Stress is the number one killer of any one race here in America.  So don't be another number, be an inspiration!

  DoGood,
 
I am sitting here with some time to reconstruct and evaluate my pondering thoughts.
 
Everyone wants to be a “Friend”.

At work, they make you speak. If you don’t speak, people sense that you are being antisocial.
At church, everyone wants to speak and befriend you and your children by shaking your hand, pinching the kids’ cheeks and telling you just in case you need anything, feel free to ask…but you will be talked about if you do.
At school, it’s all about popularity and seeing how many numbers you can get. But that same homie that so annoyingly reminds you over and over BFF, gave you the ugliest smirk because your game was a lil off last night.
On Facebook, everyone sends you a “friend request” so that they may look at your pics and family and start unnecessary drama as though this world is not drama-filled enough.
 
So far, I have lost a nice 2 handfuls of friends thru a process of trying to better myself. So, then I ask myself, what is a friend?
 
                                                               -Paula Mc.
 
 
 




​Paula,
 
The Creator…. that’s all I can think of…

If you are not a spiritual person, then I suggest you try it out.  When it is all said and done, never expect so much from a “friend”.  Different people will come into your life for so many different reasons, but just the mere fact that you met someone and have shared some of the same interest doesn’t make that person your soulmate or your BFF.  You must understand that no matter how many parties you attend with your friends, do not and I repeat do not expect them to have your back when you face a serious problem.  You should only rely on the direction and comfort of yourself and your spiritual connection with the Highest. 

​ARE YOU WITH THE RIGHT PARTNER? Every relationship has a cycle… In the beginning; you fall IN love with your partner. You anticipate their calls, want them close and don’t mind their idiosyncrasies. Falling in love wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love.

Falling in love is a passive and spontaneous experience. But after a few months or years of being together, the euphoria of love fades. It's a natural cycle of EVERY relationship.

Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts. The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship; you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your partner might start asking, "Am I with the right person?" And as you reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when relationships breakdown.

People blame their partners for their unhappiness and look outside for fulfillment. Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes.  Infidelity is the most common. But sometimes people turn to work, a hobby, friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances. But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your relationship. It lies within it.

I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation in a year or so.

Because (listen carefully to this):

The key to succeeding in a Relationship is not just finding the right person, it's learning to love the Person you found.

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. You should work on it day in and day out. It takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it demands WISDOM. You must know WHAT TO DO to make it work. Make no mistake about it.  I’ll also say that if one person in the relationship gets it and understands this and the other person doesn’t...failure is imminent. 

Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your partner), Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. If you know how to apply these laws, the results are predictable.

Love is therefore a "decision". Not just a feeling.

Remember this always: God determines who walks into your life. It is up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.
 

Ladies let’s stay being a lady. You know, Queen of Nigeria status.
Yes, things get hard, and then you begin to let weak-minded people and thoughts (the devil) take over and before you know it, you are contemplating sleeping with that guy because you know he's gonna give you some ends to pay your bills. 
 
But ladies, this is NOT why we were put here on this earth….to be a booty call or one of many.
 
We were put here to be everything to that one special man.
 
My uncle used to interrogatively tell me all the time: “Why would a man purchase a cow when he is already getting free milk?”
 
If you open your legs to every TJ, Damion and Hakeem…. your worth decreases and just as that new hairstyle you got two weeks ago, he will end up seeking out another chic to take your place because ass comes a dime a dozen these days and guys will always leave you for the next piece of temporary ass.
 
True, you’re attractive, you have a Beyoncé body and you make him call your name when you are having sex, but sweetie, that alone CANNOT promise you that you will keep your man. 
 
Eye candy is just that.  But to give a man something that will stay on his brain and make him consider you for more than just a night, you must stimulate more than just his balls.
 

• Show him that you respect yourself so that he may respect you.
• Engage in a stimulating conversation
• A real man WILL NOT look for you to put him first; but rather God, yourself and your family.
• Men are emotional creatures just as we are.  Do not assume that just because he doesn’t move at your speed that he does not want a future with you.
• Give him exactly what you want: Love, Attention without clinginess, Good home-cooked food, and most of all Trust.

 
If you don’t respect yourself enough to do these things for yourself, at least do it for all the little princesses that are watching and taking note of our every move.
 

​

DoGood,

"I have been separated from my spouse for only about 6 months now.  However, I went out three weeks ago and met this girl that I am just head over heels about.  She is the opposite of my ex and even though I never thought I could see myself falling for anyone else, especially so soon, it has happened.  I am not only wanting to be in a relationship, but I am also wanting to have sex with her.  What do I do?"
                                                      -Vic 


Vic,

If you were to ask someone in a spiritual aspect, you should not even be considering divorce UNLESS it is because she's cheating or not giving you any.
However, this column is designed to give you answers based on experience and education, with a hint of friendly advice.
If you KNOW for a fact that you and your wife will NOT reconcile, and the feeling is mutual, you can engage in being in the company of the opposite sex.  However, it would be wise and a lot less stressful if you maintained an open line of communication with both parties and waited until you have completely sealed the deal on your divorce before connecting soulfully/sexually with another being.

​                                                       -DoGood
 ​

DoGood,
 
When I met my husband, I was a size 6. Yes girl! I mean every curve and every piece of me was in the right place.  I had a nice set of 36Ds, no stomach and a butt that was not too big and not too small. I met my now husband and we were happy for about the first 3 years.  He absolutely loves my home-cooked meals and prefers them over carry out any day.  He used to always tell me how I needed to eat and stop worrying about my size.  I know people say that most times once you get married, people gain weight because they are happy.  I guess we are no different.  During the first 3 years when I kept asking him if I was gaining weight or how do I look, he always complimented me and told me how good I looked to him.  However now I have noticed how he keeps making these remarks about how when he first met me, I looked so good, but when I ask him do I need to lose weight, he now says well baby, ‘you can get it back’.  I am so confused because I feel like he could have kept it real with me before I got to a size he didn’t like.  The confusing part is because now he uses different words like baby you are thick, but I like it.  I feel like now he looks at all these women that are nice and petite, but I was once that and you encouraged me to gain weight.  He now has the wondering eye and I am not happy.  I know I could lose the weight, but I’m like how do I know what he really wants?

​DoGood,
 
I went home just a few days ago and I must say that I always dread going home because of the negative vibe I seems to encounter.  I originally was supposed to stay for three days, but I ended up being there for only 24 hours because about 4 hours after I arrived, my cousin came to my auntie’s house where I was going to stay and immediately felt the need to “fill me in” on what was happening in the city.  Because my city is so small, everyone knows everyone.  My cousin advises me on how he and my ex were at a mutual friend’s house drinking.  While they were talking, my name came up as a question from the mutual friend to my ex.  The ex started telling lies about how I have been stalking him for years and that anytime I have relationship problems, he is the first one I calls. He goes on to say that I called him and advised him that my last ex was beating on me.  NONE of this was true.  And it has always been the opposite.  He has ALWAYS stalked me, begged for a 2nd chance and everything.  What should I do now being as though this is the story now circulating around my hometown?

DoGood,
 
I will just get straight to the point.  I love, love, love everything about my girl. She’s perfect: she works, she cooks, she cleans, take great care of the kids and she takes care of me in every aspect. Including in the bed.  She is the best I’ve ever had in bed; however, I cannot say the same for her.  I cannot please her unless she orgasms first through oral sex or with the use of toys—Every time.  I don’t have a problem trying to please her because she pleases me, but I must say it gets very exhausting.  It has gotten to the point where sex is predictable and even a turn off at times.  What can I do or we do to change this because I truly don’t want to lose her?
                                                                                                                                        -T.K.